Postpartum Depression ~ Hidden Truth

One in seven women report experiencing postpartum depression, although many go for months or even years of never knowing the “why” behind post-birth feelings of anxiety and loneliness. This week, tune in or read below to learn about my friend Monica's postpartum story. We’ll talk about postpartum depression, expectations, intrusive thoughts, and everything in between — along with some ideas to help you get back on your feet!

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By Joy Czech

Adapted from this podcast by Heather C. Wentz

Photo Credit: Rainstorm Photography

You’ve probably seen them: posters, flyers, bulletins saying in big, bold letters, “1 in 7 Women Experience Postpartum Depression - Talk to Your Doctor Today!” Of this percentage, approximately half are experiencing depression for the very first time, leaving them scared, confused, and unsure of why they are suddenly feeling this way.

And yet, this is one of the least talked-about aspects of becoming a mom. In the most recent episode of the MAMA Minded Podcast, I sat down with my friend Monica Wieringa to talk about her own experience with postpartum depression. 

Monica’s Birth Story

I knew Monica first as her doula, and then quickly became her friend. She and her husband were so joyful in anticipation of their baby girl after 3.5 years of struggling with infertility. I was so excited for them as they eagerly awaited the arrival of their precious baby!

And, let me tell you, her birth story was what every first-time mama hopes for. We arrived at the hospital just in time for her water to break. In triage, they discovered that she was fully dilated and ready to go. There was no waiting, no complications, no medication. You would never have guessed that she was a first-time mom, the way she stayed out of her head throughout her natural labor and birth.

A mere hour after checking in at the hospital, Monica was holding a beautiful baby girl in her arms.

Then, everything shifted. 

The Onset of PPD: Is This Even My Baby?

The thoughts began to swim in Monica’s head as she held her baby on her chest for the first time. What is this? Is this baby even mine? Do I really want this baby? She shared with me later that she had been afraid to express these thoughts because she thought something was wrong with her. She had hoped for this beautiful, perfect, euphoric moment of holding her baby for the first time. Who wants to admit a complete lack of attachment when they’ve just given birth? 

But the reality is, Monica is one of so many mamas who struggle to bond with their baby immediately after birth, and this is just one facet of postpartum depression. 

When I gave birth to my Snowflake baby, Kodiak, it was almost an out-of-body experience! I remember thinking, why am I in my client’s birthing tub? Why are all these people here? After 12 years of miscarriages, I found it hard to believe that I was really pregnant, that this was really my baby.

When a mama experiences these feelings of detachment, they often come with confusion, shame, and guilt: 

Why am I feeling this way? 

Am I a bad mom? 

Did I make a mistake?

I have prayed for, worked for, and desired this baby. Why do I feel this way now?

If I admit how I’m feeling, is DFCS going to take my baby from me?

Mama, if this is you, you are not alone. If you are reading this and you have experienced these feelings, you are not broken! 

And, most importantly of all, you are NOT a bad mom. 

Baby Blues vs. Postpartum Depression 

When Monica first realized that her feelings weren’t normal, she wondered if she was just getting the baby blues. 

After having a baby, have you ever felt

• More weepy than normal?

• Overwhelmed?

• Extreme mood swings?

• Unmotivated to practice self-care?

If so, you might have had the Baby Blues, too! But if these symptoms get more severe or last for more than 2-3 weeks, like Monica’s, you might be experiencing PPD. Although it’s different for everyone, other symptoms associated with PPD include: 

• Depression and anxiety that last for months or even years

• Hopelessness/worthlessness

• Difficulty bonding with your baby

• Panic attacks and nightmares

• Intrusive thoughts

For 4 months, Monica brushed off her feelings as new mom exhaustion, and she tried to move on. But with day after day of nursing her baby alone in a dark nursery, of her husband leaving for work at 4 a.m., of trying to stuff her feelings down and tuck them away — her loneliness began to eat at her. When the things that used to bring her joy just . . . didn’t, anymore, she realized that something wasn’t right. 

The Hidden Truth

If you’ve never experienced PPD, it can be hard to spot. 

Mom’s tired? 

Makes sense! That baby is still waking up every two hours at night. 

She’s overwhelmed?

You bet. Having a new baby is a huge adjustment. 

She’s not getting out as much? 

She just had a baby! Her body is probably still just sore and healing.

Maybe you’ve experienced postpartum depression and wondered, Why doesn’t anybody see me? Or, maybe, someone in your life has recently had a baby, and you don’t understand why they are suddenly no longer interested in meeting for playdates, or talking on the phone. Maybe they disappear at family gatherings and you just haven’t been able to put a finger on their sudden lack of interest. 

For Monica, the evidence was right there. She tried to communicate some of what she was feeling to her husband, but with his responsibility of providing for their growing family, she didn’t want to give him one more thing to worry about. 

At her daughter’s pediatrician, she lied her way through a postpartum depression screening because she was afraid that admitting her feelings would result in her baby being taken away. 

When family would visit, she made subtle hints that something wasn’t right — she even expressed that she was afraid she had made a mistake in becoming a mom! But the cries for help were drowned out by society’s expectations: Becoming a mom is a transition. These feelings will go away. She’ll be fine. 

Mama, if you don’t have everything together, it’s okay! You’re not the only one. 

Seeking Help 

After months of struggling alone, Monica realized that she needed help. Her midwife suggested some natural remedies. She joined a Moms of Preschoolers group (MOPS). She started opening up more to her husband and her sister-in-law, and asked them to check in with more specific questions about her day: Did you have any scary thoughts today? Did you take a shower today? Did you brush your teeth? Did you change your clothes today? 

If you’re a tired mama, sometimes the simple question, How was your day? is too vague to really know if you’re doing okay. 

When you’re in the midst of PPD, it can feel like you’re the only one. The only one who hasn’t slept. The only one who hasn’t showered. The only one who has been in pajamas for three days straight.

There is one consistency between the steps that helped Monica reclaim her mind from the darkness that had overwhelmed her: community, and communication. 

She opened up to her midwife. She started conversations with those closest to her. She sought out others that were going through the same struggles. And she started feeling less alone!

Here at MAMA Minded, we want you to know that you are part of a sisterhood where you never have to feel alone.

If you resonate with Monica’s story, here are some things you can do to fight against PPD: 

• Call your OB or midwife immediately. Even if it’s after hours, leave a message!

• Open up to friends and family about your feelings and your practical needs, even if it’s months down the road

• Join a mom’s group

• Pursue professional counseling

• Ask your provider about medication that may help you through this season

• Build dopamine-boosters into your daily routine: walks outside, a favorite TV show or romantic comedy, dance parties to a favorite soundtrack with your baby

• Prioritize sleep when you can

• Don’t skimp on protein or meals

• Be aware of PPD symptoms even 6 months to a year after giving birth

When her daughter turned 9 months old, Monica finally began to feel more herself — and she developed a sixth sense that allowed her to be more empathetic toward other new moms. She’d bring a new mom a hot meal, but she’d also do loads of laundry and clean the house. She’d ask the hard questions. She’s been there. I’ve been there.

If you are suffering from postpartum depression, mama, there is hope. If you don’t know where to start, we are here for you! Call your doctor, and visit our social media pages to start building those connections with others like you. 

With love, 

Joy