Silent Grief ~ Infertility and Loss

You’re trying for your first baby. You’re hopeful. You’re excited. But when test after test comes back negative, the hope starts to disappear, and worry sets in. Am I the problem? Is it him? Will we ever get to build a family together? Then, that first test comes up positive . . . only to end in a miscarriage. 

It’s the grief that nobody sees, the loss that no one knows. Yet, 1 in 5 women experience infertility, and 1 in 8 pregnancies end in miscarriage. On today’s episode and blog, my friend Amanda Piatek shares her own journey through infertility and loss. She gives a message of hope — and of surrendering control — in a situation that felt anything but hopeful. 

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By Joy Czech

Adapted from this podcast by Heather C. Wentz

Everyone carries grief in a different way. For me, it helps to process grief aloud — to share my unique story of infertility and loss with others who might find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their struggles. Talking about my grief helps me understand what I’ve experienced, and it helps me figure out what to do next. 

For others, grief is silent. It’s internal. They look fine on the outside, but inside it just feels like there’s this gaping black hole that will never be filled.

Whichever personality best describes you, I hope that my conversation with my friend Amanda Piatek will bring you love and encouragement today.

Under the Radar

You probably know someone who has endured infertility or a miscarriage, whether or not they’ve publicized it. Maybe you’ve had a close friend that struggled, and so when it came time to try for your own baby you felt apprehension, fear, or worry. 

For my friend Amanda, the possibility of anything going wrong was so far from her mind. She didn’t know anyone that had struggled to conceive, or anyone who had lost a baby. 

You get married, you decide to have a baby, you go for it, and boom! Baby. Right? 

Isn’t it always that easy? 

A year and a half into trying, Amanda and her husband, Tim, started to wonder. Is something wrong? Why isn’t this working? Why aren’t we getting pregnant? 

Close friends and family gave some informal suggestions in addition to the calendar-counting they had been using so far. Some friends suggested using ovulation test strips, or taking basal temperature to make sure that they hit that peak fertile window. 

But, nothing worked. Amanda’s cycle was annoyingly reliable. Everything seemed normal, except for the growing pile of negative pregnancy tests in the bathroom trash can. Amanda and her husband began to feel overwhelmed with despair and discouragement.

Looking for Answers

After Amanda’s OB referred them to an infertility specialist, they did everything right. They did the genetic testing. They answered all the questions. They made lifestyle adjustments. And still, no answers. Like so many infertility journeys, one question kept coming up: What now? 

So calendar counting isn’t working. What now?

We’ve tried all the home remedies. What now? 

We’ve seen an infertility specialist and done all the testing. What now? 

We’ve seen another infertility specialist. What now? 

IVF? Surrogacy? Adoption? Just . . . give up? 

When my husband, Elijah, and I searched for answers to our own infertility struggles, we saw probably 40 specialists in the course of our journey. So, when Amanda shared her frustration over the lack of clear answers, I felt her pain so deeply and personally. 

As much as they didn’t want to be told, “You don’t have enough eggs,” or, “There’s an issue with the sperm quality” — it would have helped to identify some reason for the failure to conceive! 

Everything looks good, the doctors would say. Just keep trying. 

Handed a diagnosis of “undiagnosed” or “unexplained” infertility, Amanda and Tim were confused about how to feel. 

At least we aren’t broken? they’d try to console each other. But still, there was no baby. 

Empty Arms

After my own 4th or 5th miscarriage, I can remember trying to put on a brave face for Mother’s Day. But I could only think about how weak my arms were — so, so weak to hold a baby. 

The message that Sunday was about how God makes no mistakes. It was almost too much for me. I had to walk out and have a good cry. 

He doesn’t make mistakes? What? 

Amanda told me that her own infertility struggle was a roller coaster of hope and rock bottom until it consumed her thoughts, day and night. Her empty arms were aching, all the time, and she didn’t feel like her pain was something she could share with others. It was a deep, intimate grief. 

Then, she had a small polyp removed. It was a minor procedure. 

Not long after, about two years from the start of their infertility journey, Amanda took what felt like the 500th pregnancy test. She had no expectations. She couldn’t. 

But, it was positive! 

They couldn’t believe it. It seemed too easy. For a few weeks, they were filled with hope and joy that they had never dreamed of having. 

And then, it happened. A miscarriage. The grief they had felt in failing to conceive seemed like nothing compared to the loss of their first REAL hope of having a baby of their own. 

A Change in Mindset

For a time, Amanda felt numb. 

How could this happen? Did I do something wrong? Is it all my fault? 

She was overcome by the loss, by depression, by despair. Two more miscarriages followed within the same year. Like myself, Amanda began to feel like infertility was her identity, and she was lost in it. 

But she wasn’t ready to give up. Not yet. 

Amanda told me that faith played a huge part in their infertility journey. While IVF had been presented as an option, she wasn’t ready to give up her hope of conceiving naturally. 

After time and time again of hope and disappointment, she decided that something had to change. 

She had no control over the situation. She never would. 

The doctors had found nothing wrong. 

Medically, they had done everything “right”. 

Amanda made a decision to give up control, and give it up to God. She decided to trust. 

The freedom was almost immediate. She was going to be okay. They were going to be okay. And, whatever their journey had in store for them, they were going to make it through. 

Day by Day

With her mind at ease, Amanda decided to make some changes. It could only help to prioritize her health, right?

• She decided to try an elimination diet, a gut reset very similar to Keto, cutting all sugars and caffeine and focusing on healthy fats and proteins.

• She was already exercising, but focused on consistency.

• She started doing acupuncture, accompanied by meditation and prayer. 

In 2020, with her heart at peace and her mind calm, Amanda turned over yet another pregnancy test.

It was positive. 

But something was different.

She didn’t feel fear. She didn’t feel . . . apprehension. She didn’t feel indifference. 

She celebrated this baby, for as long as she would be able to carry it. She woke up every morning, celebrating the life inside of her, honing in on the decision to trust that everything was going to be okay. 

Week after week passed with no complications. She made her first OB appointment. She went in alone, masked up, according to the office’s COVID-19 regulations. She continued to keep her acupuncture appointments and make space for herself to recharge, to decompress. 

She took it day by day. 

Gaining Confidence

As the pregnancy progressed and Amanda moved forward with her check-ups and appointments, she would come home feeling disheartened, despite the news that everything seemed normal. 

She felt unsupported, uneducated, like her appointments were about a checklist and not so much about preparing her for labor, birth, and motherhood. Although she had committed herself to trusting God’s plan for her baby’s life, she desperately wanted more confidence as the due date approached. 

That’s when we connected. 

A brief internet search led them to the conclusion that they needed someone, a doula and/or midwife, to meet their specific needs, answer their questions, and give them the confidence they needed to have a healthy, natural birth. 

It was completely unexpected. After so many doctor’s appointments and tests and concerns on their infertility journey, one would think that the more medical equipment and assistance — the more control — the better, right? 

But Amanda and Tim decided that the best thing for their baby and family would be to shift from OB to midwifery, and they prayerfully made the decision to have a home birth. They had decided to trust, completely, and for Amanda that meant bringing her mind and environment into a place of peace where she could allow her body to deliver their baby safely. 

Letting Go

It’s still impossible to say what factors finally played into Amanda’s success in having a beautiful baby girl. If you have ever struggled with infertility, you know that you can do all the right things, check all the boxes, see all the doctors, and drive yourself wild trying to make things happen. 

For Amanda, it was only when she let go of control that she was able to trust in her unique story, and know that, whatever the outcome, she was going to be okay. 

She did share with me that one of the hardest parts of her journey was the internal storm. She was afraid to announce the pregnancy in case it ended in a miscarriage. She didn’t share the decision to have a home birth — and that’s okay! It’s a deeply personal and intimate decision, and it’s completely up to you what details you share about your journey. 

But community did help, and a shift in mindset was crucial for Amanda’s mental health:

• She joined an infertility support group to connect with others who knew the struggle and could empathize with her grief. 

• She took a Hypnobabies course to adjust her mindset and tackle fear surrounding birth. 

• She decided to trust that what was meant to be, would be. 

Today’s topic was hard, but if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility or loss, I hope you feel heard. I hope you feel . . . hope! 

Keep an eye out for MAMA Minded news; as we bloom into new seasons, we are working to develop just the kind of support groups that helped Amanda and Tim move from a place of despair to a place of peace. If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, feel free to email us at mamaminded@gmail.com!

With love, 

Joy